I can’t even

I can’t even…

For some time now I seem to have acquired, or heard about, a growing list of objects that defy my sensibilities.

These things are prevalent, but I still can’t understand why they exist.

Take my new electric toothbrush. I never used to think about this. I took out my plastic brush, given to me by my dentist, every morning and evening and gave my mouth a good scrub.

But now there is a gadget that does this for me. Push a button and a small brush starts rotating (or spinning or both) its head off, creating a buzzing inside. I hold it in place, I don’t brush.

Some models (there are dozens) have a button to tell you when you’ve brushed long enough. Two minutes or you risk gum disease, I guess. For travel, the battery is supposed to last a few days, but I don’t trust it. I pack plastic.

Then there’s a battery-powered can/jar opener that I sent away for because I’m having trouble opening those pressured jars like pickles or spaghetti sauce. I fell for the little video that showed a smiling woman in her kitchen easily attaching the unit to the top of a jar, pushing the “on” button and in seconds, the jar whooshed open.

Trouble is, when I tried it, nothing happened. It just sat there on top of the jar of sauce I wanted to use. It made a noise to make me think it was twisting the lid, but the lid didn’t budge. It was supposed to adapt electronically to the size of the jar too, so small salad dressing bottles could be opened, but again, this thing failed. I checked that the batteries were new and restarted. Nothing.

Are old things better? Or do I need to get with the program and embrace a new world of gadgets? We still rap jars on the counter or use one of those rubbery little mats. That seems to work most of the time.

My daughter-in-law bought one of those old heavy, standing hoods to dry her luxurious long curls while she sits under it in a comfortable chair. I remember those days at the salon, trying to fit under the hood without disturbing your rollers. Are those days making a return?

But the piece de resistance of confounding things is a Twilight Zone-level twist on robocalls, Recently I’ve gotten several calls to my number from my number. Me calling me, I guess. I’m too scared to answer. What would I say if I swiped right? What would I say back? It’s far too complicated for me, and I can’t even.

Do you have some examples? Email me at betsy@seniorinfluence.com and I’ll add them to the growing list.